On miscarriage

One month ago today, on February 10th, I lost my second child on the last day of my first trimester. One month later it is still difficult to describe exactly how I feel about the whole thing. 

I feel peaceful. The Lord gave me a moment during the actual miscarriage, and it is one that I will cherish for the rest of my days. As I laid there on the floor, body contracting, heart in anguish, it was as though I could see God pulling that sweet baby up to Him and His arms. In my heart I heard God telling me to trust Him. In the hours that passed while we were at the hospital hymn after hymn kept coming into my mind, songs about God's grace and love. I'll never know why we lost that precious child, but I have a Father who commands that I trust Him, who holds an imperfect world in the palm of his perfect hand. So I have peace and, as the songs says, it is well with my soul.  

I feel sad. I don't think you can ever understand grief until you've lived it. One moment you're going about your day, making meal plans and looking for your keys, and then next your heart aches for a face you have never seen, for a cry you have never heard, for a life that you were created to love. But peace always follows the sadness, and I am learning how to, in a healthy way, embrace that sadness. I believe that we are supposed to grieve the loss of life, the effects of the Fall and consequence of living in a sinful world. It helps us long for heaven, a place of life and perfection, where there is no sin or pain, a place that is our true home. We are designed to crave being inside those pearly gates. It is hard sometimes, living here on earth. We need reminding that this is just a temporary place, that one day all that our soul longs for will be fulfilled. Our perfect Savior made the ultimate sacrifice so that we can gain a citizenship to the one place that is our lasting home. So I am sad now, but I trust that one day I will see that precious child again, and on that day there will only be tears of joy. 

I feel out of control. It's so easy to feel like you are the one in charge of things. "I want our life to look like this, our finances to reflect that, etc." In the past twelve months God has shaken all of those things. We have set out on an enormous journey of faith, handing him our pride, our finances, our future, our physical address, and now our family. Getting pregnant has, thus far, been easy for us (which we are so blessed for), and it never occurred to me that we could loose a baby. I thought that I at least was in control of when we would or wouldn't add to our family. How foolish. And so, once again, God is stripping away the misconception in my mind of being in control of our crazy life. The truth is that God's plan is way more perfect than mine ever could be. So I have to let go, look to the Lord, and take that giant leap of faith. What a leap it is. 

There is more, of course. I am a woman after all and thus have a myriad of thoughts and feeling and emotions about all matter of things. But those are the three main things I figured I'd cover. So here I am, mother of two, parent to one, trusting in the one God who is worthy, and the one God who is ready to catch me when I make my leaps of faith. 

Ready, set, jump!